09 February 2008

MAD SCIENCE: Where Is That Dick?


"History is written as we speak, its borders are mapped long before any of us open our mouths, and written history, which makes the common knowledge out of which our newspapers report the events of the day, creates its own refugees, displaced persons, men and women without a country, cast out of time, the living dead: are you still alive, really?" -- Greil Marcus from The Dustbin of History


In December of 1997, an eccentric white-haired scientist with no money, no job, and no affiliations to any university or institution walked into a major genetics conference and announced, in what the New York Times called a "vague and rambling" speech, his grandiose plans “to produce a two-month pregnancy in a [human] female within a year and a half’s time” by means of cellular cloning.

It’s been ten years.


Sixty-nine year old reproductive biologist Dr. Richard Seed’s announcement sparked a worldwide media frenzy, upset many of his colleagues, and frightened the state of California and 19 European nations into signing immediate bans against human cloning. White House spokesman Michael McCurry told the press, “The scientific community ought to make it clear to Dr. Seed -– and I think the President will make it clear to Dr. Seed -– that he has elected to become irresponsible, unethical, and unprofessional should he pursue the course that he has outlined today."

McCurry’s statement took a lot for granted. For one, it assumed that there existed a clear and universal understanding of the ethics, responsibilities, and standards involved, which was and is no more true of human cloning than any other issue involving reproductive rights or biotech's expanding frontiers. It also assumed that a renegade like Dr. Seed would be affected by peer pressure from a group who wouldn’t have him as a member (“I’m an independent thinker...”) and by a president (“He doesn’t have the power to stop me...”) who at the time was acting just as unprofessionally and unethically as he was (“As far as I’m concerned, he’s slick, sleazy Willie...”). "You can't stop science," Seed liked to say. But before anyone stopped Richard Seed*, we stopped paying attention.



Beginning with sensational headlines, then spurred by Joe Palca’s ten-minute profile on NPR, and developing into a flurry of appearances on network news and morning talk shows, the spotlight had just begun to turn full-force on Dr. Seed when the Clinton-Lewinsky affair erupted and upstaged everything. The doctor's fifteen minutes of fame was about to run out, anyway. The mainstream media had quickly soured on his story once they realized Seed was essentially a quack and the underlying issues were much more complex and consequential than anyone had time for or really wanted to tackle. The networks especially were already looking for an exit and were just lucky to come across Monica's dress after Bill did. What followed was that dizzying post-modern move where they switched the human cloning story to a self-analysis of how they covered it, for which they scolded themselves a bit, then let it drop.

The context in which they did so was this: A national bioethics commission had just presented Congress with 109 pages of reasons to ban human cloning. Most developed countries already had legal restrictions in place prohibitting the growth of experimental human embryos, but not the United States. A year earlier, in response to the news that an adult sheep had been successfully cloned in Scotland, President Clinton had banned the use of federal funds for human cloning research, but legislation to ban privately funded research stalled in the final session of Congress. A new Congress was scheduled to revisit the topic in the weeks ahead when Dr. Seed made his announcement. Clinton responded to Seed by reiterating his earlier ban and asking the private sector to observe a similar ban voluntarily until the law caught up. He then conceded, however, that even with such restraints in place, there was still no real way to stop a very rich man from setting up an island laboratory for endlessly cloning himself once such a thing became possible.

It was a strange, science fiction scenario to hear from our Commander in Chief, reminiscent of one of William Burroughs’s paranoid fantasies about black market medicine -- like the short story “Immortality” in which an old trillionaire, Mr. Hart, is looking to transplant his ego, which he believes resides in the mid-brain at the top of his head: "Well he thinks couldn’t we just scoop it out of a healthy youth, throw his in the garbage where it belongs, and slide in MEEEEEEE. So he starts looking for a brain surgeon, a 'scrambled egg' man, and he wants the best. When it comes to a short order job old Doc Zeit is tops. He can switch eggs in an alley... "**

Meanwhile, Seed was moving ahead with his plans to open a Human Cloning Clinic in Chicago and then, if that proved profitable, to expand to ten or twenty around the country, maybe five or six abroad. He had already negotiated with a local fertility clinic whose name and location he never disclosed but whose facilities allegedly contained all the equipment his project required. In addition, he had four couples who'd signed up in advance. (Three had one infertile partner. In the fourth, both were. "There are no sperm and eggs," Seed pointed out, "so the only way for them to transmit their genes is to clone.") Seed said he was prepared to take them “offshore” if necessary, to move his operations overseas, perhaps to the Cayman Islands or the Bahamas he half jested, if human cloning were outlawed here. He also spoke of relocating to Tijuana where, after paying a half-million dollar bribe, he would open a free medical center in a poor part of town “to buy good will” so they would have a harder time tossing him out. He was even considering using such a tactic on his own city government. “Hey, what if I put up a free medical clinic in the Chicago Housing Authority?” he once mused. “This is worth thinking about!” According to all reports, not counting the significant technological challenges, his only major roadblock remained his lack of proper funding. He claimed it was only going to take $2 million and that he already had some of the money and a full lab staff lined up. He also had two agents ready for the potential book and movie rights if he did create the first human clone. In fact, he felt that so much money could be made, he was willing to pay $50,000 apiece to the first three successful clone-bearing mothers. Thanks to the burst of publicity following his announcement, Seed was confident that funders would emerge and he could soon begin work. And that’s when the coverage stopped. To Be Continued... except it wasn't.

It's been ten years.


MP3: Frankenstein's Den by The Hollywood Flames

The son of a prominent Chicago surgeon who helped pioneer blood banking in the 1930s, Richard Seed sported three degrees from Harvard, including a PhD in physics. He was variously described as brilliant, mysterious, rude, impatient, cold, calculated, insufferable, haunted, dangerous, dynamic, defiant, demonic, and deeply committed to radical science. He was known to be habitually distant to his children, inspiring to his colleagues, and completely maddening to his wives. He was called a Bible-thumping prophet, a one-man cult, a maverick, an oddball, a fruitcake, and a flop. He was portrayed as Dr. Frankenstein, for what he wished to bring to life, and as Franken-stein’s monster, for how he was brought to life by the press. Tribune columnist John Kass even compared Seed’s freakish celebrity to a sideshow, with otherwise responsible journalists acting like carnie barkers “selling tickets to the tent of Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy.”

He was also brazenly honest, quick to speak his mind, and admittedly not very good at relating to people he considered unintelligent which, coming from someone who once introduced himself as “the smartest man in the world,” basically meant he had a hard time relating to anyone. In perhaps his most revealing bit of self-assessment, he referred to himself as “a former near genius”: a genius, he said, because God gave him an extraordinary amount of creative and inventive talent, near because he had come close but never quite made the kind of enormous contribution to society you would expect from such a mind, and former because he was almost 70 years old and "you lose a lot of brain cells as you get older." The undying arrogance, the sting of failures, the peculiar mechanistic thinking -- you could hear it all in that single phrase.

One brave reporter elicited the opinion of Seed’s second wife, Zaroohy, who claimed her ex-husband was mainly driven by the desire for money (which he would get then promptly “shit down the toilet”), followed by the need for a scientific challenge and the quest for immortality. (She said that he once wanted to be preserved cryogenically but, if he had been, she would have pulled the plug.) Although one might tend to question a bitter ex's perspective, even the briefest glance at the doctor's past confirmed her diagnosis.

A devout member of the First United Methodist Church in Oak Park, Illinois, Seed was convinced that human cloning was part of God’s plan. "In the first two chapters of the Old Testament,” he explained, “we learned that God made man in his own image. He intended the union of man and God. Is this union spiritual or in body? I think it is talking about the body.” Seed reckoned that cloning was the first step toward becoming one with our creator, and the second was the manipulation of our genetic material to end the aging of the cells. “Indefinite life extension,” he called it. "Eventually, we are going to have almost as much knowledge and almost as much power as God.” So, according to Seed, all we have to do is live long enough and then we'll know every-thing. (No one asked what we'd do about the increasing overpopulation of a planet whose populace won't die. It was probably assumed immortality would be the ultimate luxury that only the privileged few could afford -- but, despite the President's island scenario, no one broached that subject either.) As far as the mainstream media was concerned, he might as well have started ranting about UFOs. I'm not sure what kind of person we thought would be the first to attempt cloning humans, but the networks seemed less concerned about a man with Seed's quirks tinkering with our genes and more worried about how they looked giving so much airtime to such an obvious nut.

In a related bit of personal expression, Dr. Seed told foreign reporters during a visit to Scotland that he would not clone homosexuals, whom he described as “genetic defects,” at his clinic. According to polls at the time, homosexual couples, for obvious reasons of procreative inability, represented a good number of the more than 5 million Americans who said they would consider cloning themselves. Anya Palmer of the gay pressure group Stonewall said Seed was dreaming if he thought he could use genetics to wipe out gays. (Seed also said he would only treat couples “who look nice,” for which Palmer then acccused him of trying to create a master race of “good-looking heterosexuals.” This was as close as Seed got to inviting a discussion of eugenics.) Seed just shrugged her off and said there's always an argument whenever someone like him tries to do anything new.


MP3: The Mad Scientist by The Zanies

Throughout his life, Seed was always trying something new. And like many experimental minds, he had a habit of leaving lots of unfinished work in his wake. He seemed to abandon the scientific challenges he so daringly pursued once the challenge had gone out of the science. “He has a problem with follow-through," said his son Russell. "He has no sense of closure.” In the 1950s, for instance, Seed began a semi-conductor business in his basement, back when few people had heard of the device. He left the company right before semi-conductors became the infrastructure of the computer industry, just missing out on his chance to cash in. Then he went into gas lasers and the same thing happened. His son likened his attention span to a toddler’s.

He was briefly famous in the 1970s when, with his brother Randolph, he ran Embryo Transplant Corp., a company which produced high-yield milk cows through a non-surgical procedure that involved super-ovulating the most productive cows, flushing the embryos out of the uterus, then implanting them in other cows, producing up to 12 calves from one “super cow.” The farming industry was in trouble that year, though, and Seed’s company, which depended on the strength of agribusiness, went bust along with the farms. As the 1980s approached, he tried using this same animal technique to transfer fertilized embryos from one woman to another for Fertility and Genetics Research, Inc., a company he helped found. Out of that, he got one paper published and one woman pregnant. The eggs didn’t flush out as easily from humans, so the technique never caught on. Technology surpassed him soon after and quickly phased his company out.

He also tried a variety of get-rich ventures throughout his life, such as attempting to get a North Shore venture capitalist, Walter G. Cornet III, to invest $35 million in a scheme to acquire seven small fishing fleets with which Seed claimed, in all seriousness, that he could corner the world market in fish-meal. “I thought he was a couple of bubbles off plumb,” Cornet quipped. It was a clever idea, though, which might have worked, but Cornet didn’t have the funds and Seed didn’t pursue it any further. Instead he went into mortgage financing with his son Russell, where, bored and careless, he quickly lost his shirt. The summer before his big announcement, his own Oak Park home of 12 years was finally foreclosed, forcing him to live in a modest suburban home owned by two of his children while being supported on a secretary’s salary by his wife. By the time he became a celebrity, he was totally broke. "Bad investments," he explained.

The media reported these patterns but missed what they suggested. With his typical sense of timing, Seed had arrived on the human cloning scene early and perhaps prematurely as many of his critics suggested. However, he had already displayed over and over a knack for finding fields of science which were likely to boom and beating everyone else to the punch. Like an old prospector, he seemed able to tell where a gold rush was going to hit. Whether Seed would or could succeed at human cloning was almost irrelevant. His mere presence at the forefront was an alert to the possibility that human cloning might soon develop into a profitable trade. Although he usually failed at the business end himself, it should have been noted that he almost always accomplished his scientific task. Thus, if these patterns were about to repeat, the clinic he had planned was likely to collapse and he'd probably stay poor, but he'd make human cloning happen. It was inevitable, he said: “If not me, someone else. If not here, somewhere else. If not now, then.”

It's been ten years.


The New York Times said he seemed like “a recruit from central casting”: a white-haired scientist with a beard, twinkling eyes, a mischevous smile and a checkered past. An eccentric prone to outrageous comments, he was a natural candidate for media star. But more than that, Dr. Seed was an unequalled American character. He was so utterly American, from his short attention span to his warped Christian thinking, that he appeared at times to have been invented. Even though human cloning was seen as futuristic, for him the pursuit was almost old fashioned. On one level, it was really nothing more than a brave individualist effort to climb from rags to riches and fame -- an Horatio Alger tale for the 21st Century. But then he amplified Alger like no one had done before, because for him human cloning was also the first step toward realizing his own personal vision, a dream which, when distilled, gave voice to the ultimate rendition –- if not the underlying essence –- of the great mythic American Dream: to be a rich immortal genius with a unique relationship to God.

It's been ten years. I wonder how he's doing. •


* Even after the mainstream media had decided the whole episode was nothing but a tragic joke, what the Tribune termed a “sad comedy,” everyone still held back the most obvious punchlines. Although the subject was reproductive technology and journalists are generally addicted to irony and puns, no one noted, for instance, that this man who said he could asexually impregnate an infertile woman with her own genetic duplicate was named, of all things, Dick Seed. One New York Times article noted how the doctor’s name “gave his procreative adventure a sense of destiny,” but the comment pertained to his last name only. No one noted that his entire name sounded like a euphemism for semen, an otherwise vital component of the reproductive process that remained conspicuously absent in his work.

** If we're going to give Nostradomus credit for Hitler from Hisler, we might as well give Burroughs credit for Dr. Seed from Doc Zeit. Seed's plans, after all, included literally scrambling some eggs.


Mad Scientist Lego found on Brick Brothers, the Lego builders blog. Marilyn Monroes by Andy Warhol, the king of cloning art. John Carradine probably played more mad scientists than any actor ever, but a bigger geek than me will have to confirm this. Man trapped in hour glass illustration by Jim Steranko. The Han Solo in Carbonite Mini-Fridge is an example of pitched but rejected Stars Wars merchandise. Others include headphones in the shape of Princess Leia's hair and a BBQ grill in the shape of the Death Star. "Eat My Fear" was David Lynch's contribution to the New York Cow Parade in the year 2000 which was banned from the public art exhibition for being too gruesome. Detourned comic from Garfield Minus Garfield. Save Clone High was an attempt to keep M-TV from cancelling the 2003 cartoon series which tackled such teen issues as "whether ADD can be caught from toilet seats." Clone High now airs on Teletoon in Canada. The Rollin' Clones are a Rolling Stones tribute band. Meet the Clones was a fake punk band flyer created by collage artist Winston Smith in 1978. At Cafe Press, you can buy t-shirts for fictional bands from movies and TV shows, such as Citizen Dick from the film "Singles" and the Frozen Embryos from the series "My So-Called Life."


Further reading:

Reader beware. All books on this subject tend to be biased in some form and it may simply be impossible not to be. These two titles attempt to collect essays of various opinion to present a general overview, thus providing an entry point at least to the issues.

Clones and Clones: Facts and Fantasies About Human Cloning edited by Martha Nussbaum and Cass Sunstein.

The Human Cloning Debate edited by Glenn McGee, Arthur Caplan, and Roopali Malhotra.

Further viewing:

O Clone (a.k.a. El Clon, or The Clone), is a syndicated Brazilian soap opera (in Portuguese) set in Morroco which airs in the U.S. (in Spanish) on Telemundo. The main storyline sounds like some-thing you might expect from Charlie Kaufman: a love triangle develops between Jade and Lucas and, yes, Lucas's clone, pitting the poor guy against his own younger, less bitter self.

Some lesser known movies about cloning and/or human duplication:

Cat O'Nine Tails (1970). IMDB: "Franco is a blind man who lives with his young niece and makes a living writing crossword puzzles. One night, while walking on the street, he overhears a weird conversation between two men sitting in a car parked in front of a medical institute where genetic experiments are performed..." (Directed by giallo master Dario Argento.)

The Resurrection of Zachary Wheeler (1971). IMDB: "A U.S. Senator is spirited away to a secret New Mexico medical lab after a serious car crash. His injuries are completely healed by a secret organization that has developed advanced medical technology. What does the organization want in exchange for saving his life? Meanwhile, a reporter who witnessed the accident decides to investigate the Senator's disappearance..." (Dated precursor of the 2005 movie The Island.)

Anna to the Infinite Power (1983). IMDB: "Anna Hart was always an odd child -- a genius, a shoplifter, desperately afraid of flickering lights, with strange prophetic dreams. Anna is watching TV one night and sees someone who appears to be her exact double..."

Night of the Lepus (1972). "Ladies and gentlemen, attention! There is a herd of killer rabbits headed this way and we desperately need your help!" (Actual quote, which you can hear and download for yourself at BadMovies.org.) A hormone intended to alter the breeding cycle of rabbits overrunning ranchlands instead turns them into flesh-eating, 150-pound monsters. If you think you haven't seen it, guess again. Footage from Night of the Lepus appears briefly in The Matrix and randomly throughout Natural Born Killers. In case you were wondering what the people who made Black Sheep were thinking...

06 February 2008

CINEPHOBIA: All Movies are Zombie Movies


In voodoun theology, the soul has two parts, the gros bon ange and ti bon ange, or big good angel and little good angel. The big good angel is your soul portion of the overall spirit of the universe. This returns to the universe when you die. The little good angel is your will, your energy, your own individual soul. This travels in dreams and after death and momentarily leaves your body during extreme fear and/or pleasure. The little good angel can be lost or captured and you must constantly guard it from evil. But nothing can harm the big good angel, because the big good angel is God’s. A zombie is one whose little good angel has in fact been lost or captured, thus they lack any individuality or will. If it weren’t for that portion of God inside them, the big good angel, they’d have no soul at all.

Cinema simulates the dreaming experience. The little good angel travels in dreams. Violent and/or erotic imagery is common in films. The little good angel leaves the body during extreme pleasure and/or fright. Does this mean you could lose your will and individuality while watching a movie? According to voudoun theology, yes.


Wade Davis, a Harvard scientist who studied the ethnobiology of zombies in the early 1980s (known for his memoir "The Serpent & the Rainbow," the source material for the fictional Wes Craven film), attended one of the first screenings of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in Haiti. According to his account, the climactic scene where spirits shoot out of the ark triggered pandemonium in the little crowded theater. One person screamed out a warning to all pregnant women and another advised people to quickly tie a ribbon around their left arm. There were repeated shouts of “Loup garou!” (This is usually translated into English as werewolf, but refers to a more complex idea of a shapeshifter to Haitians.) While images of freed spirits were projected before them, these viewers feared actual bodily possession.

The confidence game works not when you put your faith in con men, but when you allow con men to put their faith in you. Perhaps, then, movies borrow our traveling soul, shift its shape, then show it back to us, fostering the illusion that the film itself has a soul, while we watch the entire spectacle soulless, without will, generalized, easily conned into letting the film put its faith into us. In voudoun terms, a film might be likened to a canari, the clay jar used to shelter or capture the little good angel during rituals. The movie ends, the jar breaks, and the priests let us go on living, our souls restored. •


Glow-in-the-Dark Flesh-Eating Zombies Playset from Archie McPhee.

Zombie vs. Shark! Film stills from Lucio Fulci's "Zombie 2." Which is not a sequel. The idea was to confuse people into thinking it was. In 1978, George Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" achieved worldwide success and spawned a wave of Italian zombie films. In Europe, "Dawn of the Dead" was released under the title "Zombie." The following year, Fulci released "Zombie 2." Such titling tricks were common among Italian filmmakers of the era, the most famous example being Joe D'Amoto's series of one-m "Emanuelle" films starring Laura Gemser following the success of the French two-m "Emmanuelle" films starring Sylvia Kristel. Confusing the issue, some dvd versions of Fulci's film have taken the 2 off and just call it "Zombie" (which is the version available at Vidiots, for example). Buyer beware. Lucio Fulci's "Zombie" and "Zombie 2" are the same movie -- and I don't mean in the way "Evil Dead" and "Evil Dead 2" could be called the same movie, I mean the same exact movie. To see an even stranger zombie versus shark scenario featuring scuba-diving nazi zombies, see 1977's Shock Waves starring Peter Cushing.


Zombiewalk.com is a forum for organizing annual public gatherings where people dress like zombies. Similar to Santacons, Zombie Walks are becoming increasingly popular. Last Halloween, Pittsburgh's Zombie Walk broke its own Guinness World Record of 894 zombies, established the previous year, when over 1,100 zombies walked through the Monroeville Mall (the mall that served as the set for Romero's "Dawn of the Dead"). To celebrate the screening of "The Zombie Diaries" at Film4 Fright Fest, London tried to break the record but failed. I have not yet attended a Zombie Walk. I was in Portland, however, for last year's Santacon. On three separate occasions in one evening, other onlookers -- locals, strangers -- asked if I'd read the essay about Portland's Santacon by Chuck Palahniuk. That same week, I was telling someone about this cool vacuum cleaner museum I'd found in the back of a vacuum shop, and again was asked if I'd read the Chuck Palahniuk essay about it. I'd read his novels ("Fight Club," "Choke," etc.), but not his essays. In his hometown, that apparently meant I hadn't read enough. Don't let this happen to you. Read "Fugitives and Refugees: A Walk in Portland, Oregon" by Chuck Palahniuk before you go there. And if you see dogs in Portland parks chewing on what appear to be the bloody stumps of severed limbs, they're not flesh-eating zombie dogs. Palahniuk passes out plastic toys like the Gory Arm to dog owners at some of his readings.

I found this picture at a blog called Blonde Zombie.




Read selections here from "The Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks. I sent a copy to my friend Mustache Pete (who no longer has a mustache now that he lives in L.A. because "they just think it's ironic"). Pete actually has a zombie phobia. I didn't believe it at first, but his girlfriend concurred that he jolts awake in sweaty terror after zombie nightmares and has made her promise that if he ever becomes one, she'll shoot him. Max Brooks used to write for Saturday Night Live. What makes this book funny is how seriously it's presented. Mustache Pete, however, didn't think it was funny. His girlfriend later told me that he took the book at face value and has been debating its assertions. So, when you read it, know that there's at least one guy out there who thinks it's real.

Further reading:

"Raise the Dead" by Leah Moore & John Reppion. Hardcover edition of the 4-issue comic. Cover art by Arthur Suydam, introduction by Max Brooks.

"Book of the Dead: The Complete History of Zombie Cinema" by Jamie Russell
"Eaten Alive!: Italian Cannibal and Zombie Movies" by Jay Slater
"Divine Horsemen: The Living Gods of Haiti" by Maya Deren
"Passage of Darkness: The Ethnobiology of the Haitian Zombie" by Wade Davis

And while you're reading, you can listen to this record I found. Comprised of the only four songs of a planned LP completed before his death in 1954 at the age of 70, Papa Celestin's "Golden Wedding" turned out to be Papa's farewell. The Louisiana legend made a hell of an exit, though, with his last words on wax being this cult classic cut about New Orleans' most infamous voodoo queen.



Marie La Veau (MP3) by Oscar "Papa" Celestin

TITTY TWISTER: Check Your Local Listings


Perusing the Chicago Municipal Code, one will find, along with one of the nation’s toughest building codes (intentionally designed to make compliance impossible) and other curiosities (such as the archaic forbiddance of a Museum of Anatomy), various regulations regarding the exposure of women’s breasts. Although nipples are clearly the main concern, the word nipple never appears. Within descriptions of Obscenity, Adult Entertainment, and Indecent Exposure are references to the female breast “below a point immediately above the top of the aureola,” “at or below the upper edge of the aureola,” and “at or below the aureola thereof.” It’s never “Don’t swim in the river,” but “Okay, so here’s where the shore starts...”


Especially in these sections, the language is almost charming in its struggle for precision. It is unlawful, for instance, if a man has a noticeable boner in public. Unlike nipples, the hard-on needn’t be naked. A rise in the Levis suffices. The code specifically speaks against “covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state,” even if they are “completely and opaquely covered.” Turgid is always the word. To nitpick, the entire genitalia doesn’t swell when a man is aroused, merely the primary dangling appendage. If my testicles started swelling, I’m not sure what I’d do. But I hear that’s how some guys like it. My gay friends tell me about a craze known as “plumping” where men enlarge their scrotum using saline solution. One says he knows a hardcore plumper with nuts the size of grapefruits. My reading of the code would suggest that, even though plumped balls are consistently swollen and thus don’t indicate arousal, they’re still indecent if easily noticed. And who wouldn’t notice a guy with two grapefruits in his pants? Perhaps someone should warn the city about the dangers of getting into any kind of size issue with queens. My gay friends like male genitals to be discernible at all times, not just during turgidity. Hence the first thing they do with new jeans is sandpaper the crotch to make it appear as if their bulging cock stresses the fabric. They’re a particularly randy bunch and would like nothing better than to drop trou for an officer who suspected their indecency just to show him they’re simply blessed. In any case, what’s really hard is trying not to wonder about the discussions from which these descriptions arose, and also the reasoning behind them. Like why treat nipple like an N-word?


I find it somewhat poetic that, while the nude women on stage at a strip club are considered Adult Entertainment, it’s the fully-clothed men attending the show who are at risk of Indecent Exposure. Obviously, Chicago cops don’t raid titty bars, line the men against the wall, and bust the ones with boners. The definitions for Obscenity and Adult Entertainment are instead designed like the infamous building restrictions, as narrow and confining guidelines rarely put into practice in full but there on the books for their potential leverage in disputes or as a tool for those in power. For instance, a liquor license could be at stake. A business cannot be granted a liquor license if “any live act, demonstration, dance, or exhibition” exposes to public view 1) “genitals, pubic hair, buttocks, perineum and anal region or pubic hair region,” 2) any device, costume, or covering which gives the appearance of or simulates the same*, or 3) the female breast. In the mind of Chicago’s municipal imagination, it’s best for everyone if nudity and drunkenness don’t mix. Hence in Windy City strip clubs you can either have “near beer” and full nudity or real beer and pasties. Choose your simulation. As for bars with live entertainment, let’s say a female act suffered a wardrobe malfunction -- would you have to stop serving? I once saw the band Nashville Pussy perform at Lounge Ax and Ruyter Suys (at left) had her nipples slip from her bikini top I don't know how many times while she wailed on guitar. If bared breasts are in fact reason enough to revoke a bar’s license, could she conceivably strip her way through the local circuit until every club in the city went dry? Imagine the new temperance movement with its Carrie Nation flashing her hooters instead of swinging a hatchet. “Men, I have come to save you from drunkards’ fates. Behold the instruments of our Lord...”

You almost have to give the code makers artistic credit for including the perineum within civic infractions. Try for an experiment to expose your taint without flashing any balls, bush, or butt. Were they worried some clever mooner might defend themselves with a perineum loophole? (“Look judge, all she saw was the runway ...”) Did they want to add further counts against such offenders? (“Let the record show that the witness is pointing to the defendant’s anus, genitals, pubic hair region and perineum...”) If they wanted to provide an obsessively detailed inventory of all the naughty body parts for posterity, then why not mention nipples? The Indecent Exposure definition even redundantly adds the vulva to the list, perhaps the result of a tax-funded discussion on shaving. The breast restrictions for Indecent Exposure are also phrased differently, referring to “any portion of the female breast below the upper edge of the aureola thereof of any female person.” One could conclude that if a non-female person were somehow in possession of a female breast, they could freely expose it on Chicago streets. Good news for hermaphrodites. Imagine packed among the hard bodies, bathing beauties, and wannabe bunnies on North Beach, roving gangs of topless chicks-with-dicks gleefully kicking sand on all the bikni-clad silly cones, mocking strap lines and flaunting their tans. Perfectly legal, you could argue, until one got a hard-on. •


Topless band photo = The Ladybirds. You can buy a photo reprint of them playing the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas in 1967 from Vegas Retro. If they were around today, could they play in your town? Check your main public library branch for a copy of your municipal code. Here's another topless band picture. Is it them? Different guitars. Different hair. But the breasts... Am I wrong?


* Re: "any device, costume, or covering." Although things that look like a penis, a pussy, or an ass are out, luckily for drag queens, you can still perform in things that look like tits. This scarf and these slippers would make a great matching set. (The hat just reminds you how many hats -- and the people in them -- already look like a boob.)




Further reading:


"The Book of the Breast" by Robert Anton Wilson (Playboy Press). As Homer Simpson said of the movie "Naked Lunch": "I can think of two things wrong with that title." No, Wilson's book will not treat you to centerfolds, but rather school you in the treatment of the female breast in a host of civilizations throughout history. Using his own unique blend of Freudian anthropology, Wilson outlines how societies that tend to repress the female breast also tend to demonstrate “patrist or anal” values, such as a restrictive attitude toward sex, inferior treatment toward women, a deep fear of homosexuality, an ascetic fear of pleasure, an authoritarian political structure, and a father- or god-based religion. And conversely, societies that tend not to repress the female breast are shown to demonstrate “matrist or oral” values, such as a permissive attitude toward sex, equal rights for women, a deep fear of incest, a hedonistic acceptance of pleasure, a democratic political structure, a progressive encouragement of revolution and research, and a mother- or goddess-based religion. I've tried to apply his thesis to our own society but can’t quite identify a dominant trend, unless one counts a tendency towards hypocrisy and paradox. It’s taxing enough just trying to place where things fall in the spectrum. Take "Girls Gone Wild." Hedonistic celebration? Inferior treatment? Reaction to repression or ironic support of it? Call me treasonous, but what would the French say? I’m not sure but, ever since reading this book, I've found myself even more attentive to tits than I was already. Order a copy direct from the author.


"Big Bosoms and Square Jaws: The Biography of Russ Meyer, King of the Sex Film" by Jimmy McDonough. Soon to be a major motion picture. Until it is, the best and often only way to get a hold of Russ Meyer's films is through his own company, RM Films International, where one is additionally treated to Russ's self-written ad copy:
"FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL! is the story of a new breed of SUPERWOMEN emerging out of the ruthlessness of our times. We are introduced to three BUXOM Go-Go girls: VARLA, ROSIE, and BILLIE, wildly dancing the Watusi before the leers, jeers and lecherous come-ons of their drooling all-male audience. The violence, implicit in the girls' tease, is quickly moved out of the microcosmic bar into the outside world as they literally let go of themselves, embarking on a wild, violent, deadly journey of vengeance on all men. VARLA, the outrageously abundant KARATE MASTER leader of the pack, breaks the arms and back of one man, runs her Porsche over two others, grinds a fourth, a muscleman, against a wall and, eventually, deliberately goes down the path of her own self-destruction, dragging her two BUXOTIC cohorts along with her. Filmed in glorious black & blue."


Read excerpts from The Big Book of Breasts by Dian Hanson here.

While you're reading, you can listen to a full-frontal double-bill of hard rocking fems featuring Nashville Pussy and Tits of Death.



Or listen now to Quomma fave Boobs A Lot (MP3) by The Fugs.

05 February 2008

VERSUS: Abu Ghraib vs. Collegefuckfest.com


Click photo for larger image.

For an accompanying comparison, an excerpt from the chapter PINKERTON vs. AIDING AND ABETTING from the United States Department of Justice’s Criminal Resource Manual (1999):


The Pinkerton rule was pronounced in Pinkerton v. United States, 328 U.S. 640, 66 S.Ct. 1180, 90 L.Ed. 1489 (1946). Walter and Daniel Pinkerton were brothers who were charged with violations of the Internal Revenue Code. The indictment alleged the Pinkertons committed one conspiracy count and the ten substantive counts. A jury found each of them guilty of the conspiracy and several of the substantive counts. The main issue arose from the facts that there was no evidence to show Daniel Pinkerton participated directly in the commission of the substantive offenses although there was evidence showing these substantive offenses were in fact committed by Walter Pinkerton in furtherance of the unlawful agreement or conspiracy existing between the brothers. Id., 328 U.S. at 645, 66 S.Ct. at 1183.

The question was submitted to the jury on the theory that each brother could be found guilty of the substantive offenses if it was found at the time those offenses were committed the brothers were parties to an unlawful conspiracy and the substantive offenses were, in fact, committed in furtherance of it. Id. Daniel Pinkerton was not indicted as an aider or abettor, nor was his case submitted to the jury on that theory. Id. at n.6.

Daniel argued United States v. Sall, 116 F.2d 745 (3d Cir. 1940), in support of his contention that participation in the conspiracy is not in itself enough to sustain a conviction for the substantive offense even though it was committed in furtherance of the conspiracy. Id., 328 U.S. at 646, 66 S.Ct. at 1183. Sall held that, in addition to evidence that the offense was in fact committed in furtherance of the conspiracy, evidence of direct participation in the commission of the substantive offense or other evidence from which participation might fairly be inferred was necessary. Id.

The Supreme Court took a different view. It noted the facts showed a continuous conspiracy with no evidence that Daniel attempted to withdraw from it. Id. Therefore, he continued to offend. Id. So long as the partnership in crime continues, the partners act for each other in carrying it forward, and an overt act of one partner may be the act of all without any new agreement specifically directed to that act. Id., 328 U.S. at 647, 66 S.Ct. at 1184. The criminal intent to do an illegal act by one of the conspirators in furtherance of the unlawful project is established by the formation of the conspiracy. Id. Each conspirator instigates the commission of the crime. Id. The unlawful agreement contemplated what was done in the substantive acts, the substantive crimes were performed in the execution of the enterprise. Id.



Basically, the scenario goes like this: two brothers decide to rob banks then do so. Then one gets caught, but the other keeps robbing banks. And for every bank the free brother robs, the brother in jail is held equally responsible. The driving notion behind the Pinkerton rule is if you're part of the idea, you're part of the crime. •

04 February 2008

SURVEY SAYS: It's Not Jesus, George, It's You

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: only nut cases want to be president." -- Kurt Vonnegut

During his presidency, Ronald Reagan had two notable bouts with cancer. In 1985, surgeons detached a tumor from the lining of his bowels. Two years later, they removed a basal cell carcinoma from the tip of his nose. Although they carefully avoided drawing any correlation, it's clear a case could've been made that the malignancies were transferred by direct physical proximity. In other words, we had not only his behavior to go on, but legitimate medical reasons for suspecting that the president had his head up his butt. This condition, technically known as rectal-cranial inversion, would have explained everything from his countless misspoken statements to his excessive so-called napping, not to mention solve the mystery of how his hair always stayed so black. If such a speculation had been made during his stay in office, maybe it might've made some difference. Instead, in 1995, Reagan had another carcinoma removed, this time from his neck. Sadly, the problem had deepened. We always talk about how much we loved him, yet we all sat back and watched as the once-Great Communicator crawled up his own ass and died like the rancid old fart he'd become. But did we learn? No, then we did Clinton.

MP3: Impeach the President by the Honey Drippers.



In 1997, the magazine Scientific American reported on the medical maneuver known as Valsalva and what can happen when this simple technique is performed without knowledge or care. For instance, after inflating over 20 balloons in an hour before a party, a 24 year-old man in Wales ballooned himself up. Wrote the article's author Steven Mirsky: "His examination turned up pockets of air trapped under the skin on the man's shoulders, chest, neck, abdomen, back, arms, legs, and, providing a built-in whoopie cushion effect, derriere." To perform Valsalva, a subject deeply inhales then tries to forcefully exhale without first opening up the glottis. Balloon blowing is in fact one of the best examples of how to do this. But the lung's alveoli -- the tiny air sacs where gas exchange usually occurs -- can be burst if it isn't done right, and then large volumes of air can be pushed into and under the skin. According to the article's quoted physician Stuart Elborn, this happens most frequently to saxophone players, due to the harsh wind intake which accompanies their often aggressive breathing style, and marijuana smokers, who will unwittingly perform the Valsalva while trying to hold in the fumes. Contrary to his defense of certain allegations, I believe we were well aware that Bill Clinton likely belonged to both groups. He was thus doubly susceptible to accidental self-inflation. His very apparent bloating while in office was repeatedly noted as were the sexual scandals that dogged him throughout his career, but no one stopped to consider the possibility that he had a legitimate swelling disorder. Once again we saw the symptoms but didn't make the diagnosis, namely that Slick Willy was just full of hot air. This would have explained everything, from his near compulsive need to let off steam through (aptly named) blow jobs to his V.P.'s intense sensitivity to global warming. It seems so obvious once you see it, but we're not even looking anymore.

MP3: Funky President by James Brown.


We've let our presidents down. We're supposed to watch them and we haven't been. At least, not closely enough. We certainly haven't spotted each man's damage like we should. Instead, we let them fall apart, even knowing that we fall apart with them. Some-thing as simple as a pair of tongs could've saved Reagan, and perhaps a small pressure guage was all it would've taken to keep Clinton from ruin. They were treatable. So what did we do? Elect someone who isn't.

MP3: Christ for President by Billy Bragg & Wilco.

According to "The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind," a 1976 study by Princeton psychologist Julian Jaynes, the left half of the brain is where speech functions reside, as well as our reasoning and logic. The right half is instead connected with recognition of shapes and patterns. An artist with left brain damage becomes inarticulate but can still draw, whereas an artist with right brain damage remains eloquent but can't draw a lick. (This is reversed for left-handed people.) The left brain is where we generally dwell, our sense of "I," the half that copes with life. When Mozart claimed that melodies walked into his head fully formed and all he had to do was write them down, he was describing the experience of informa-tion traveling from the right side of his brain to the left. Akin to this, Jaynes noticed that in most ancient literature -- the Bible, "The Iliad," etc. -- the heroes are always "hearing voices" and are also lacking what we'd call an inner self. Jaynes eventually surmised that human subjectivity didn't exist before 1250 B.C. Instead of having the ability to look inside themselves and ask "What do I think about this?*", ancient generations experienced their own mind as something alien and mistook messages received from the right brain as the voices of gods. This is why George W. hears Jesus. He has a 3,000 year old brain. It's no wonder he doesn't believe in evolution. Our error has been believing he's stupid. What he lacks isn't smarts so much as self-reflection -- which may be just as dangerous as idiocy but markedly different. He has ideas; he's just incapable of understanding that not every idea he has is heaven sent. To the degree that he is an idiot and thus has fewer ideas than most people is actually in our favor.

Of course, it's this very habit of relying on ignorance to save us from unawareness that keeps us from saving our presidents, from deflating them when they need to be and pulling their heads out of their asses. Do what Dubya can't do: think about it. Now look at our new batch of candidates and ask yourself: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? And please, keep your answers scientific. •

MP3: When Did I Stop Wanting to be President by William Burroughs.



Bureaucrat with head up butt line drawing copyright John Pritchett for Consumer Education Foundation, found at pritchettcartoons.com.

Homer Simpson's X-Ray appeared on China's official Xinhua News Agency's English website China View in July of 2007 as an accompanying "file photo" to a Health section article, Two New Genes Found for Multiple Sclerosis. According to Computerworld, the Chinese media has fallen prey to American satire before, including in 2002 when the Beijing Evening News ran an article from The Onion about the U.S. Congress threatening to move out of the capitol building unless it were upgraded with a retractable dome.


* An example of where one could use a quomma.